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Mad Science Café

from Steel Cage Match by Brooke vs. John

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Words & Music by Brooke Abbey, 2007.
I just wanted an excuse to say "nuke-ronomicon," but things sort of spiralled out of control from there. This was a nominee for the 2010 Pegasus award for Best Mad Science Song!


Lost my job at the paper (The Evening Times-Slander) Cm G
And it seems people don't want to hire a crook G Cm
But I finally found someone with low enough standards: Cm G
Mad Scientist urgently seeks live-in cook G Cm G Cm
(evil laugh)

He says I must hunch and say "Master!" with deference Cm G
But I can't be too picky when money's this tight G Cm
And I'm pretty sure he won't be calling my reference Cm G
And I get all day off 'cause he only works nights G Cm G Cm

Now, the kitchen equipment is somewhat unorthodox Cm G
There's lava and hydrogen gas in the taps G Cm
There are blackmarket kidneys and hearts in the icebox Cm G
It's not like back home - but I've learned to adapt! G Cm G Cm

I make eye of newt and tail of adder C F
flame broiled on a jacob's ladder G C
I bring my stews to a rolling boil C F
In a saucepan on a tesla coil G G7
My bunsen burner's gentle rays C F
Warm my goat's blood hollandaise G C
When I'm in a rush I look in C F
Lovecraft's guide to microwave cooking G G7
(Ah, the nuke-ronomicon! Chapter 1: Tapioca.)

This job isn't perfect; I'm paid in gold fillings Cm G
The blood-spattered labcoat is not quite my size G Cm
I'd prefer a métier with less ritual killing Cm G
But quitting involves my untimely demise G Cm G Cm
(I don't wanna be the clapped-in-irons chef!)

So I serve zombie wine from haunted casks C F
in frosty erlyn-meyer flasks G C
Cheese fondue for Frankenstein's munster C F
Poison brew for incurable punsters G G7

Embalming fluid man-fillets C
Haunted druid canapés C
Deep-fried school bus C7
Hummus of homunculus C7
Uranium coleslaw F
Chicken à la chain saw F
Rack of sacrifical lamb D
Maple-crusted huma-- "ham" G7 G

It ain't easy to work here but I'm optimistic Cm G
That my evil employer will soon come to grief G Cm
I don't intend murder, but I read statistics: Cm G
Mad scientist lifespans are typically brief G Cm G Cm

So when boss summons demons who rightly take umbrage Cm G
Or doesn't give lightning its proper respect G Cm
Or carelessly slips as he's crossing the drawbridge Cm G
Or gets burned at the stake - I know what to expect. G Cm G Cm

For I've secretly copied the vault's combination Cm G
I'm ready to empty it, then run away G Cm
I'll stop by the dungeon and free all the virgins Cm G
(They'll make great... waitresses)
And I'm opening my own Mad Science café! G Cm G Cm


from Steel Cage Match, released June 19, 2009
Vocals: Brooke Abbey, John Caspell
Banjo: Brooke Abbey
Guitar: John Caspell
Accordion: Rowan Lipkovits




Brooke Abbey Vancouver

Brooke Abbey (formerly Brooke Lunderville) is a banjo-playing pharmacist from Vancouver, BC.

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