Weirdness from 2014

by Brooke Abbey

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1.
02:16
Ooan Nikanj you have always been careful G Cm To have sons and daughters, not children like you G Bb G I know it has pained you to channel our choices G Cm I know because I have stood closest to oo G D G oo Cm G oo Cm G And I love my mothers, and I love my fathers G Cm But ooan Nikanj, I stand closest to oo G D G Cm G Humans are dangerous; I am part human But danger must come for our race to renew I could pretend to be sister or brother But ooan Nikanj, we both know it's not true oo oo For Yashi twists in me as it twists inside you -  Ooan Nikanj, I stand closest to oo Consensus was reached not to have construct ooloi Not yet - and not now - and defer, and review I know that my wildness and power are frightening But I am here now; I can't wait for their cue oo oo My metamorphoses won't be convenient But ooan you know it's too late; I am oo oo Cm G oo Cm G Ooan I am your ooeka,  G Cm ooan I am oo. G Cm G
2.
Penelope: My husband's been gone for a decade and counting D  G  A This asshole sings to me "He's probably dead" D  G  A And I've tried to be patient, but fuck all these suitors D  G  A "Hey music boy, sing something cheerful instead!" D  A  D Then you, darling son, who I've raised up to manhood Bm  D From the wee child who would pee in the bed G  A Said "Mother, go back to your loom and your distaff" Bm  D Go weave, little woman, don't worry your head D  A  D For men are here talking G  D Your voice isn't welcome A  D I'm sure that you women could not understand G  Bm  -  G We'll explain it all later  G  D If we're not too busy A  Bm Go back to your weaving!  Sincerely, a man. D  A   D Echo: Narcissus, you with your love of reflections D  G  A Might actually love me just as I am now D  G  A I'm waving my arms but you don't seem to notice D  G  A And I can't call out; that has been disallowed D  A  D See, Hera's sweet husband Zeus likes to go raping Bm D But somehow it's my fault for talking too loud? G  A So my voice has been stolen; all I have are Echoes Bm D Like Io, I have been effectively cowed D  A  D Men are here talking G  D Your voice isn't welcome A  D I'm sure that you women could not understand G  Bm   G We'll explain it all later G  D If we're not too busy A  Bm Why don't you take notes, dear?  Sincerely, a man. D  A  D It's not Ancient Greece, and I'm no nymph or goddess D  G  A I'm real and I'm tired of quiet and nice D  G  A But men saying "Shut up" aren't mythical either D  G  A They have been with us always, like bedbugs and lice D  A  D Women who speak up have always been silenced Bm D And always we're paying the same stupid price G  A We can say the same words with our mouths as a man can Bm D But men won't be shouted down for their advice D  A  D Bridge: My stomach and heart aren't a king's; they're a woman's Bm D They're stronger than any man's I've ever met G A They have to be, for when my speaking is over Bm D There's going to be booing and hissing and threats G A It's not a man's nature I've borrowed to speak here D  G  A But men, what I would like to borrow's your ears D  A  D Because women are talking G  D And fuck being welcome A  D And fuck your explaining our lives to us dears G Bm  G We're sick of your death threats G  D And "We're Not All Like That"s A  Bm Make space at the table and open your ears D  A  D Make space at the table and open your ears D  A  D
3.
Lalala!!! theme song Lalalalalalala Am G#dim7 - Am Am G E7 Am Lalala!!! is a serious publication Am G#dim7 Am Everybody knows that G Exclamation marks Am Add gravitas G#dim7 Or dental floss E7 Or hearing loss G#dim7 Or tomato sauce E7 Well anyway they must add SOMETHING E7 Am Like... for instance... E7 Well I'm going to keep using them. E7 Am Lalalalalala Enthusiasm! That was it. Lalalalalala In every issue I review a state One that I've definitely Been to as I Meander I wouldn't stoop to slander I speak with perfect candour I've been to Indiana! Just maybe not Alaska Did I review Alaska? IT WOULD BE SO VERY BORING TO GO CHECK. Lalalalalala Lalalalalala My readership is a puzzling demographic Grandmothers and capslock fetishists Who've come to expect Things that I reject Amusing side effects Assertions not fact-checked And helpful diagrams You know of roller coasters... candy... sandwiches... Alcoholic beverages... HELPFUL STUFF. Lalalalalala Lalalalalala
4.
It's always raining in Minecraft since you left C G G7sus4 C You broke my heart and I can't craft a bridge across the cleft F C Gsus4 G I am still carrying a torch for you my dear C G G7sus4 C But spiders spawn inside my heart now that you're not here F C G C It's always raining now Dm C It's always raining in Minecraft F Dm It's always raining now. G C (autosave) G I've been so lonely in the night since you've been gone Without your pleasant company I always skip to dawn My pixelated darling, why'd you have to leave? I can't go on without your touch, your server and your Steve It's always raining now Dm C It's always raining in Minecraft F Dm It's always raining now. G C (autosave) G I can't do anything but think of you and pout I try to set the zombie mobs on fire but they go out I filed a bug report - I'd like a weather truce But Mojang closed my ticket saying "cannot reproduce" It's always raining now Dm C It's always raining in Minecraft F Dm It's always raining now. G C ...maybe I'll go back to WoW. G C
5.
Hold on, ye weary bladder Cm F Until the plane shall land Cm G For the fasten seatbelt sign is lit Cm F And the lavatory is banned Cm G Cm The coffee and the juice were free But now I feel their cost Hope the airport bathroom line's not long Lest my control be lost Hold on, ye weary bladder Until the plane shall land We all must sit while the sign is lit And the lavatory is banned I meant to pee much earlier, but - We met with turbulent air The sign flashed on and my chance was gone And I cursed: "That's SO not fair." Hold fast! Ye weary bladder - For no diaper is at hand 'Til the gate's in sight, clench your sphincter tight - Until the plane shall land
6.
Let me tell you of the pepper from the Indiana State! G - C G It can never cast a shadow, be it early, noon, or late! G - A D It's taller than a fiddler and it has dimensions two G - C G And Brooke may have invented it but HEY IT COULD BE TRUE G - D - Oh, the Indiana Pepper, oh the Indiana Pepper! C - G - Our state's beloved mascot, fair of face and green of skin! C - A D Oh the Indiana Pepper, it's the best State emblem ever! G - C G It can never cast a shadow for it shines from deep within! G - D G (Not to mention 'cause it's fake and I have photoshopped it in.) G - D G T'was discovered by Professor Pete, astronomer renowned And you know that you can trust a man who wears a Tri-State crown I don't even know if peppers actually grow in Indiana But it's not like that stopped Maryland - the Baltimore Banana?! Oh, the Indiana Pepper, oh the Indiana Pepper! Our state's beloved mascot, fair of face and green of skin! Oh the Indiana Pepper, it's the best State emblem ever! It can never cast a shadow for it shines from deep within! (Not to mention 'cause it's fake and I have photoshopped it in.) The Indiana Pepper's fame will never e'er be reached By the Alabama pumpkin or the boring Georgia Peach It's got nutrition and tradition and a family-friendly vibe, unlike The Illinois State Wiener which I will not here describe Oh, the Indiana Pepper, oh the Indiana Pepper! Our state's beloved mascot, fair of face and green of skin! Oh the Indiana Pepper, it's the best State emblem ever! It can never cast a shadow for it shines from deep within! (Not to mention 'cause it's TOTALLY REAL THE INDIANA STATE PEPPER IS TOTALLY A THING)
7.
I met a sweet Briton whose smile was so bonny G C G Despite her attendance at a... Worldcon... ey G C D I asked for her secret; she kindly explained: G C G It's by tea and antiquities England's sustained Am G D G Tea & antiquities! Tea & antiquities! D G Tea & antiquities brighten one's mood! G C Tea & antiquities! Tea & antiquities! C G B Rich clotted cream is the Prozac of food. C G D G She lectured us briskly on how to discern G C G Blackwork from redwork on ancient Greek urns G C D We had scones - "No, they're scones!" And sweet jammy dodgers G C G And slowly my mood lowered its Jolly Roger Am G D G Tea & antiquities! Tea & antiquities! D G Tea & antiquities make me feel blithe! G C Tea & antiquities! Tea & antiquities! C G B The right cup of tea would make Death drop his scythe C G D G Now I've come to the end of my British vacation G C G I'm many miles distant from Fortnum & Mason G C D But I hereby resolve that when I feel unsettled G C Em I shall smile, think of urns, and go put on the kettle Am G D G Tea & antiquities! Tea & antiquities! D G A nice pot of nettle, or try the house blend? G C Tea & antiquities! Tea & antiquities! C G B A sovereign cure that I highly commend: C G D Em Tea & antiquities savoured with friends. C G D G
8.
Am E Am G I have never been the girl who fights back C E Am E But then I've never really been the girl, have I. So. If I want to stay alive - and I do - I'd better learn to be somebody else E Am Someone still alive next week I didn't want to give him blood Or marrow or slices of my secret inner self But you know. The thing that really pissed me off. That fucker cut my hair So: F C E Am F C E - Here I am climbing up this vent I don't know what I'm doing But I'm doing it and burning off the me who wouldn't dare If I escape, if I can be that lucky My prize will be to choose Which mad scientist to run to Which is not much of a choice But at risk of understatement, things are weird And you know The thing is that I'm choosing I get to pull the strings Sally's dead. And I am... I am climbing up this vent I don't know what I'm doing But I'm doing it and burning off the me who wouldn't dare

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released February 3, 2014

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Brooke Abbey Vancouver

Brooke Abbey (formerly Brooke Lunderville) is a banjo-playing pharmacist from Vancouver, BC.

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