Walking to Valspar - the increasingly angry songs of Melinda Vulluvette

by Melinda Vulluvette (with help from Brooke Abbey)

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Welcome to the Dog & Bastard Wendar's best place to get plastered There's just one rule to understand And that is NEVER HURT THE BAND We'll give you all plus one to save PLEASE JUST KEEP US FROM THE GRAVE So, come on, take a music stand AND KEEP THOSE VAMPIRES OFF THE BAND And if it isn't too much trouble Please attempt to keep the rubble Off our brand new baby grand AND ALSO NEVER HURT THE BAND If you manage not to fail We might just offer discount ale (spoken: MAYBE.) So won't you lend a helping hand? GOOD DRINKERS NEVER HURT THE BAND
The Church of the Traveller is sacred to me G Csus4 G ( Gsus4 G ) Sometimes I'm moved to get down on my knees G Csus4 C (Csus4 C) (Darryl likes that.) It's not that I'm shamed that you've found me defrocked G Csus4 G (Gsus4 G) But don't you adventurers know how to knock?! F C G (I'M JUST ASKING.) I'm glad that you heeded my other song's call So my band wasn't hurt in your vampire pub brawl But my gratitude's definitely going to fade If you don't move along while I'm trying to get laid It's not often a wizard's respectfully hushed Or are you just impressed? Oh, you've made Darryl blush! (He's just jealous, honey) Weren't you all going to Vals-- ...you know what, I don't care. If you must, you can stay here. HOW ABOUT UPSTAIRS. Take a hint.
Your party seemed impressive G When you visited my inn F C When you didn't die in church F C I thought "these guys are out to win!" G I'll give them JUST ONE JOB G For which I'm sure they're qualified F C Let me tag along to Wendar F C And make sure that I don't die G Did you notice? That last part? PRETTY SURE I SPECIFIED I should have checked your references Before this sorry venture I might have noticed "Right! The gang Who LOST all of their mentors." LOST. LOST THEM. You guys had JUST ONE JOB And it wasn't even hard Not an epic quest or mission Just TRY NOT TO LOSE THE BARD You seemed so tough and skillful So resourceful and so clever But you just let me be kidnapped So like, WORST COMPANIONS EVER You guys had JUST ONE JOB Please just keep me far from perils Next time you folks come around I'll stay home with my Darryls Assuming I EVER GET HOME. Did I mention you let me be KIDNAPPED.
The first time I met good old Thaddeus Tomb The smell coming off him would clear out a room All recollection of that powerful funk Is gone now I know how he tips when he's drunk He'll buy the next round! He'll buy the next round! If you don't know who I mean you're gonna have to look down He may not be tall, pure of heart, or a hunk But by god the gnome's generous when he is drunk! Where's his cash from? You should probably not ask Just enjoy the largesse that flows out from his flask He's a bold and heroic explorer, I bet! I don't ask that kind of question while he keeps my throat wet He'll buy for the room! He'll buy for the room! Raise a toast to that treasure-lord Thaddeus Tomb! The ladies can tell you he's sure not a monk! Let's all sing out CHEERS to that glorious drunk! In the morning's he's off for adventure's enjoyment Or whatever he does in place of gainful employment May your fingers be quick! May your sword freely stab! May you come back alive and pay off your tab He'll buy the next round! He'll buy the next round! If you don't know who I mean you're gonna have to look down He may not be tall, pure of heart, or a hunk But by god the gnome's generous when he is drunk!
800 years of glaring My anger increasing the longer I stood here alone 800 years of glaring Waiting for someone to free my flesh from the stone And thanks for that, but I can't say I'm surprised That when shit goes south I run in to... you guys Seriously, what is it with you heart's delvers. 800 years of glaring Reaching to strangle my agent with marble hands 800 years of glaring I'm the kind of girl who prefers one-night stands What year is it now? Is my music forgotten? Is my family all right? Are my Darryls still hot? The gnome Darryls were... not the same. 800 years of glaring My furious face transformed from fire to ice 800 years of glaring Glaring and wishing I'd read the contract twice 800 years of glaring 800 years of glaring 800 years of... compound interest GUYS WE ARE GOING TO GET OUT OF HERE ALIVE AND I AM GOING TO HELP *inspire courage*
Hail to Melindarokin! Our home and seat of trade! Whose fertile Streel Plain e'er ensures our debts will be repaid! Where every firstborn's name is Darryl! A tradition passed down through the years It's confusing but we must appease our bard She Whose Cheques Will Always Clear Hail to Melindarokin! Land of the Vulluvette's sweet groove! Bow down and praise her albums or your loans won't be approved! Though many years have passed without her Her bearded messenger made plain The Diva shall one day return to us And collect her vast capital gains Hail to Melindarokin! Our beloved native land! Our mighty navy stands ready for the Battle of the Bands! Our chancellors must learn the banjo Just one of our Bard Queen's many rules Some of them may seem capricious But she's REALLY rich and we're not fools Hail to Melindarokin! Our home and seat of trade! Whose fertile Streel Plain e'er ensures our debts will be repaid!
Every Darryl 01:46
They ask the bard can I hear a song Proclaiming love For my one and only It isn't hard - the list is long Of ballads for Your one and only But when the bard goes home at night Does she sing those songs No, fuck that noise! For some just one may be all right But not for me I need my boys ALL MY BOYS ...and Darrelena, she's my favourite ALL MY BOYS Had better make it back alive So adventurers! going in to peril! Heroes of the hourglass and the blade! Spoken: And fire. Why is everything on fire with you people. Adventurers: BRING BACK _EVERY_ DARRYL IF ADVENTURERS WANT TO GET PAID Adventurers. I trust my point's been made. Go get 'em! Please?


There is an ongoing D&D game that happens at filk & general sci-fi conventions, run by Dr. Wesley Crowell (DM, MD,) called Abandoned. I sat in to watch the first session and fell in love with it. I meant to just stay and watch for a few minutes before going off to open filking with my banjo, but the story-telling and evil grins sucked me in and before I knew it four hours had passed. I was so keen to see what was coming next that I convinced Wesley to show me the story notes in advance for the next session, promising not to spill the beans to his player characters. There was a bard mentioned in passing as singing a song called "Never Hurt the Band" as a humourous aside in a bar brawl, and when I saw this I immediately begged to be allowed to write a real song for her. And so Melinda Vulluvette, accidental angry bard of Valspar, was born. Now whenever I can make it to a con where a game session will happen, the DM writes my character in and I play a new song for the party, usually about what fuck-ups they are.


released January 16, 2016




Brooke Abbey Vancouver

Brooke Abbey (formerly Brooke Lunderville) is a banjo-playing pharmacist from Vancouver, BC.

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