Flotsam from 2007

by Brooke Abbey

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01:15

about

Stuff written in 2007! That isn't on a studio album.

credits

released December 31, 2007

license

Some rights reserved. Please refer to individual track pages for license info.

tags

about

Brooke Abbey Vancouver

Brooke Abbey (formerly Brooke Lunderville) is a banjo-playing pharmacist from Vancouver, BC.

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Contact Brooke Abbey

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Track Name: Blind Date on the Island of Doctor Moreau
I watch you sleep there next to me D Dsus4 D
The hard lines on your face are softened D Dsus4 D
I gently sigh and wonder about our future D Dsus4 D
Specifically whether I'll escape this coffin, D Dsus4 D
Saw through these handcuffs Bm
And call the police off- A
icers, before it's too late G Bb
Not to die on this date D

I placed an ad: Sexy scientist seeks Mr. Right D
For romantic walks on the beach and labwork late in to the night D A
Replies so far: Doctors Evil, Wrong, No, and Claw E
I don't wish to stereotype but I do not detect a respect for the law E B
There must be something wrong with how I am communicating D A
I hate to quit, but this is it for me and online dating D A A7

When I hoped we'd have chemistry D Dsus4 D
That was a metaphor, not a request D Dsus4 D
For a formic acid martini D Dsus4 D
I want a lover, not a litmus test D Dsus4 (D)
As I prepared to meet you, Bm
I hoped that you'd be sweet, but A
You're just another asshole G Bb
Living in a haunted castle D

Why'd I ever
Place an ad...

So girls if you meet a man who D Dsus4 D
Seems sweet but has a name for his chainsaw D Dsus4 D
Tell him the two of you are through D Dsus4 D
He probably wants to take your brains out D Dsus4 D
He'll only break your heart Bm
Like, literally, break your heart A
So avoid a night of terror, G Bb
And do not repeat my error D

And place an ad...

Well, maybe one more try... D
Track Name: Oh, Shit.
I make my living up in the sky - and that's no shit F
I look the eagles in the eye - no shit, that's what I do. F C7 F

See I run the crane at the port on the river F Bb
Every day I climb my ladder to a pretty good height F C
The Columbia carries an awful lot of traders F Bb
Who depend on me doing my job just right F C7 F

A container ship and crew ain't cheap to keep running F Bb
And it's damned expensive to make them wait F C
There's a bonus for me if I can speed up the process F Bb
Of separating them from their containers of freight F C7 F

I make my living up in the sky - and that's no shit F
I look the eagles in the eye - no shit, that's what I do. F C7 F

Well one day I had a real bright idea F Bb
Of how to do my job quicker - see, I'm no dunce F C
Instead of moving my crane for every damn container F Bb
Why not do one side all at once? F C7 F

Well it turns out they had a very good reason F Bb
For taking those boxes off of alternate sides F C
Got one side clear and the barge tipped over F Bb
With my spreader attached, still holding on tight F C7 F

I make my living up in the sky - and that's no shit F
But that don't mean I know how to fly – oh, SHIT man, here I go F C7 F

My crane went along and dumped me in the river Dm Bb
From a mighty damn height and to this day I shiver F Am
To think that I lived through that terrible fall Dm Bb
During which I learned a lesson about city hall Gm Eb C

For a city this size makes an awful lot of sewage F Bb
And an awful lot of sewage needs somewhere to go F C
And just where that might be I happened to discover F Bb
By landing in the middle of the sewage outflow F C7 F

I scrubbed my clothes and I scrubbed the cabin F Bb
And the crane and the spreader sat under the hose F C
But no matter how much scrubbing and elbow grease and solvents F Bb
I use, something lingers to tickle my nose F C7 F

I make my living up in the sky - and that's no shit F
But the eagles now they just fly by - cause it smells like shit up here. F C C7 F
Track Name: Putrefaction
I used to feel so unimportant
Going nowhere in a dull, dead-end job
Now I'm bursting with proud rigor mortis
Since I got the memorandum from Bob

Hey man, you can eat my head
I'm not sorry that I ran out of lead
For I've seen the light of the dawn of the dead
And I've got putrefaction

We're rotting to pieces and I like it that way
You don't have to wear a tie, the dress code's “casual decay”

Was it toxic gas or a virus?
Or am I a parisitical host?
Deep thoughts like that go right by us
Since our mentis began to compost

Hey man, come contract our strain
And stagger around the haunted terrain
Chill with your pals and nibble on brains
Enjoying putrefaction

We rise from the graveyards in a shambling, moaning throng
Like decomposing foundlings from a cabbage patch gone wrong

Now my skin's adhesions and lesions
Are something I have come to enjoy
For my leprous lack of cohesion
Makes me the entropy poster boy

People to eat and cities to burn
Nothing to stress about, worry or learn
Shotguns are my only concern
'Cause I've got putrefaction

Hey guys, it's time to attack
To secure some tasty cranial snacks
We're all cephalophiliacs
'Cause we've got putrefaction
'Cause we've got putrefaction
'Cause we've got putrefaction
Track Name: Rodney, Oh Rodney
Rodney, oh Rodney, what woman could love you? G - C G
Your arrogant posing, your chess-team physique C G - D7
Rodney I know that I should want to shove you, G - C G
But when you insult me my knees get all weak C G D7 G

Is it how you treat medical doctors like lab-rats? G Bm C G
Or the way you teach lunatics how to make bombs? C G Am D
Your only close friend back on Earth was a housecat G Bm C G
But somehow I feel that we could get along C G D7 G

Rodney, oh Rodney, what woman could love you? G - C G
Your arrogant posing, your chess-team physique C G - D7
Rodney I know that I should want to shove you, G - C G
But when you insult me my knees get all weak C G D7 G

Your cowardice, well, let's just say “scared of lemons” G Bm C G
You're a social Chernobyl all of your own makin' C G Am D
But the blood leaves my head when you say “zed pee emm,” and G Bm C G
I just want to hold your Canadian bacon C G D7 G

Rodney, oh Rodney, what woman could love you? G - C G
Your arrogant posing, your chess-team physique C G - D7
Rodney I know that I should want to shove you, G - C G
But when you insult me my knees get all weak C G D7 G

You're rolling your eyes like I'm wasting your oxygen G Bm C G
Your voice drips with vitriol, malice and scorn C G Am D
I want to evict you without using airlocks G Bm C G
But when you're a bastard it's better than porn C G D7 G

Rodney, oh Rodney, what woman could love you? G - C G
Your arrogant posing, your chess-team physique C G - D7
Rodney I know that I should want to shove you, G - C G
But when you insult me my knees get all weak C G D7 G
Track Name: Scud, the Disposable Assassin
Marvin's Manikin factory's in deep situation G G F C
A plug-headed monster thinks the workforce is a snack G G F C
Employee buy-in's low for monster reconciliation G G F C
So they've pooled their pocket change and hired me to attack D G

I'm Scud, Scud, the disposable assassin G G F C
Available conveniently in vending machines G G F C
Point me at your enemy and I will kick his ass in G G F C
Record time, thanks to my finely-honed subroutines D G
...and my guns. G

This creature looks creative - like a backhoe ate a mousetrap G G F C
Ate a wrestler, ate an outlet, ate a very angry squid G G F C
Which squirts me so I duck in to the loo to wash the ink off G G F C
And catch sight of my back in the mirror above the sink D G

It has a sign, a sign, a sign, a sign... D

It doesn't say "Kick me!"; it's a little more severe G G F C
The notice says "Attention! This unit self destructs G G F C
When target has been terminated" - If I've got this clear: G G F C
If I do my job right I'll be schmucked - well that sucks! D G

I'm Scud, Scud...

But if I don't kill my target then I don't have to explode G G F C
But a psychopathic chimera's a hard friend to keep G G F C
So I shot her arms and legs off and hauled her down the road G G F C
To an ICU-for-hire that's reputed to be cheap D G

Now a robot doesn't eat but I still need a lot of cash G G F C
Or the hospital will pull the plug and throw her in the trash G G F C
So I'm a freelance assassin now 'cause I don't want to die G G F C
If you want violent retribution, call me up, I'm your guy D G

I fight voodoo zombie presidents Em
Exterminate jail residents B
For cyborg dino-mafiosos Am
I'm a violence virtuoso! D

I'm Scud, Scud...
Track Name: Spoke Too Soon
Our colony fleet has exhausted our metals Am F Am E
We can try to escape our doomed world but just once Am F Am E
So the question is now: where in space can we send her? Am F C Am
So with men of all nations we've set out to hunt Am Em E Am

We fly blind and desperate, earth's last exploration F Am
And earth's only fleet waits for our signal call F Am E
Green - come rejoicing, Gold – come with caution F Am
And Red - do not follow, don't follow at all Am E Am
But to signal across all that terrible distance F Am
Carries an equally terrible price F Am E
Choose wisely, O Captain, what signal to send them F Am
Choose wisely, O Captain, for we can't signal twice Am E Am

We found a new planet, with sweet air and water Am F Am E
Plants we can eat and these quaint coloured lights Am F Am E
Quarantine surely is just a formality Am F C Am
But the captain won't signal - says something's not right Am Em E Am

But our crew carries spies who have hidden agendas Am F Am E
Government orders and loyalties torn Am F Am E
A mutinous band sends the green signal early Am F C Am
Now it's all gone wrong and we're too late to warn Am Em E Am

chorus

For the planet's queer lights were the aliens' vector Am F Am E
To infect us, implant us with their spectral brood Am F Am E
The crew one by one lose their wits, then their bodies Am F C Am
It seems I'll be last - I'm in no cheerful mood Am Em E Am

Now the captain has found me, his mind almost shattered Am F Am E
To utter his last before he too is dead Am F Am E
As he grips me a ghostly glow oozes around him Am F C Am
"The signal we sent, O it should have been red. Am Em E Am
Yes, the signal it should have been red." Am E Am

chorus

And the fleet now will follow... but we can't signal twice. Am E Am
Track Name: The Whisky Tango Foxtrot
The internet is teeming with perplexing, senseless folly Dm Dm C C
Items on my monitor that make me look askance A Bb Dm Dm
So when the surreality would be too much for Dali Dm Dm C A
I regain my composure with this simple little dance A A DmA Dm

The whisky tango foxtrot Dm
When logic isn't present C
The whisky tango foxtrot A
When life makes your mind bend Dm
The whisky tango foxtrot Dm
When your brain can't stand the torment C
The whisky tango foxtrot A
When you just can't comprehend DmA Dm

Let's do the whisky tango foxtrot! A Dm
I'll teach you the steps!
Throw your hands up in the air! Bb
Shake your head in disbelief Dm
Close your browser in despair A
And breathe a sigh of sweet relief Dm A DmA Dm
Everyone!
Throw your hands up in the air! Bb
Shake your head in disbelief Dm
Close your browser in despair A
And breathe a sigh of sweet relief Dm A DmA Dm

Now the tango and the foxtrot are completely difference dances Dm Dm C C
You may wonder how they could or even if they should combine A Bb Dm Dm
Well this is where the whisky that we mentioned comes in handy Dm Dm C A
Once you've drunk enough of it, you'll find that you don't mind A A DmA Dm

The whisky tango foxtrot Dm
When logic isn't present C
The whisky tango foxtrot A
When life makes your mind bend Dm
The whisky tango foxtrot Dm
When your brain can't stand the torment C
The whisky tango foxtrot A
When you just can't comprehend DmA Dm

Let's do the whisky tango foxtrot! A Dm
Throw your hands up in the air! Bb
Shake your head in disbelief Dm
Close your browser in despair A
And breathe a sigh of sweet relief Dm A DmA Dm
Throw your hands up in the air! Bb
Shake your head in disbelief Dm
Close your browser in despair A
And breathe a sigh of sweet relief Dm A DmA Dm

The whisky tango foxtrot Dm
When logic isn't present C
The whisky tango foxtrot A
When life makes your mind bend Dm
The whisky tango foxtrot Dm
When your brain can't stand the torment C
The whisky tango foxtrot A
When you just can't comprehend DmA Dm
Track Name: vixy & Tony
vixy & Tony C
enjoy macaroni Bb
and My Little Ponies F
(in an innocent way) G
(or was that Seanan?)

well, Tony & vixy C
are descended from pixies Bb
they aren't whistling dixie F
they're just jolly and gay! G

but vixy & Tony Am
are hounded by phonies E
whose doppelganged cronies C
are out to confuse! G

it's like getting bologna Am
when you want pepperoni E
to avoid errone C
ous views, heed this news! G

watch out for:
viny & Toxy C
whose munchausen by proxy Bb
was fixed with epoxy F
in a miracle cure G

or
voxy & Tiny C
who're alarmingly spiny Bb
they like to quote Pliny F
they're a little obscure G

toinxy and V Am
pretend to like potpourri E
to blend with the bourgeoisie C
to whom they're highly attuned G

ynoT & yxiv Am
stole Eratosthene's best sieve E
I don't think he'll forgive C
them anytime soon G

So stick with vixy & Tony C
Whose music harmoni Bb
ous isn't feloni F
ous in most jurisdictions! G